Lance Armstrong envies Salman Khan

Yes, it’s true everyone. Lance Armstrong envies Salman Khan. The world has not been witness to such jealousy since Achilles spurned the advances of hundreds of Greek babes and attempted to sodomize Paris, the prince of Troy. I have shared this theory with several of my friends during my recent and all too frequent bouts of drunkenness, but nobody could propose a parallel in history, post Christ.
So what exactly has caused this uneasy state of affairs between Lance and Salman? Is it Salman’s physique? His countless girlfriends? His new found hair? His earth shattering dance moves from Dabang? In fact, none of these. Specially not the last one. The reason why Salman Khan’s picture adorns the face of Lance Armstrong’s dart board is because the former has robbed the latter of his place in popular culture, and in the hearts of India’s youth. Let’s face it guys, no one in India gives a damn about Tour De France (Tour of France, for those who don’t comprehend the French language). Cycling is not even a sport for us Indians. It is indeed, below the dignity of our great emerging middle class. Who, I ask you, rides a bicycle in India unless he has a school bag, a bundle of newspapers or other merchandise placed on its carrier? And what good is a bicycle without a carrier? What kind of a wussy wears a helmet while riding a bicycle? And what kind of a heterosexual man wears stretchy Latex shorts? In this scenario, Lance Armstrong’s sole claim to fame in India were those stretchy wristbands with ‘Livestrong’ written on them.
Livestrong bands were a rage not so long ago. Anybody not wearing one, was seen as ‘insensitive’,’ inconsiderate’ and totally not plugged into current affairs and Arundhati Roy’s Literature. However, they have now been knocked off the top pedestal of celebrity-endorsed merchandise; much like Roger Federer has been knocked off the top of the ATP ratings. This is where Salman comes into the picture. The Livestrong bands have been KO’d by Salman’s very own ‘Being Human’ T-shirts. Ever since Salman sported one, the youth of the nation has embraced the Tees; much like Salman embraces his heroines in his movies. Experts have commented that this is the nation’s way of expressing approval for the fact that finally, Salman has ended his boycott of shirts. Whatever be the reason, the ‘Being human’ phenomenon has captured the nation’s imagination. ‘Being human’ T-shirts have replaced Livestrong bands as the largest selling non-digital merchandise in Delhi’s Palika Bazaar, and indeed flea-markets across the country.
The sheer genius of Salman Khan is evident from the fact that he chose something as useful as a tee to leave his mark on. What good is a wrist band anyways? This is the reason why he has been able to woo the masses as against the Livestrong bands which were the toast of the artsy –fartsy types. (Artsy Fartsy = Chetan Bhagat enthusiasts, N-Sync fans, Yahoo messenger users). Is there any surprise that he has relegated those wristbands to the 2nd spot? Is it any wonder that Lance Armstrong is seriously pissed at losing out on the India opportunity? Well, he can cry his heart out now. He should have known better.